Size Matters

"Seat Safety Switch" (seat-safety-switch) 08/31/2015 at 00:14 • Filed to: detroit diesel, media appearance

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“Look how small it is,” I scream to make myself heard over the sound of the Nobel-prize-winning Detroit Diesel twincharged single-cylinder thumper inhaling the fourth phone book of its very busy media appearance morning. “That’s what we in the business like to call tree-based traction control, heh heh,” I chuckle as my beautiful companion screws her eyelids shut in pain.

“In fact, if I wasn’t here to feed this engine phone books every couple of minutes, it would enter thermal runaway and consume the core of the Earth itself.”

The television personality yells back, muffling her ears with both hands and the boom mic now. “That would be bad, right?”

“Oh yes, very bad. Very, very bad. In fact, I should go get some more phone books now while we have a laps-” I freeze.

“What? What is it?” She is hysterical now, driven there by the combination of my blasé attitude to noise management and the rich arterial blood now trickling down her neck makeup on each side.

“Is it the year 2015?”

I look around in a panic, but no phone books exist anymore.

“Oh god, it is. The prophecy is unfolding. Does anyone have a phone book?”

As if on cue, she turns to flee, leaving the camera man (Floyd) and assorted staff (Erica, Michael) behind. I can barely hear the sound of all four tires squealing as the Chevy Express 2500 satellite upload van rips out of the driveway on a heinous moonshiner’s turn, tugging the camera man behind on its snake-thick electrical cable. Before long, the cable snaps, and Floyd log-rolls into oncoming traffic.

I envy him.

NeedForSwede > Seat Safety Switch 08/31/2015 at 00:23

0

Thanks

CB > Seat Safety Switch 08/31/2015 at 00:23

2

What.

With-a-G is back to not having anything written after his username > Seat Safety Switch 08/31/2015 at 01:08

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Ok, so it took a few beers, but you have earned hero status from me tonight.

BReLp7dzHM3ytYsE > Seat Safety Switch 08/31/2015 at 01:22

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Fever dream?

pip bip - choose Corrour > Seat Safety Switch 08/31/2015 at 04:17

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LOL!

Richtofen, Baron von Pickup > Seat Safety Switch 08/31/2015 at 08:45

1

You have once again failed to disappoint me.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch 08/31/2015 at 11:43

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Do you ever answer questions in comments?

Seat Safety Switch > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 08/31/2015 at 15:11

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I could!

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch 08/31/2015 at 15:39

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So where do you get these stories?

Seat Safety Switch > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 08/31/2015 at 19:59

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I think about things that I like, and then I write a contrived situation in which I can talk about the things that I like.

They’re like Penthouse letters as interpreted by a Detroit Diesel engineer who stayed up too late reading Lovecraft.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch 08/31/2015 at 21:40

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They’re great to read. So how does the world end?

Seat Safety Switch > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 09/01/2015 at 11:18

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Bike lanes overtake the entire road surface of North America and we enter a terrifying alternate future where slim people who are in great shape demand concessions from government to afford liquid-titanium race bikes.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch 09/01/2015 at 11:48

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I’m kinda ok with this.

Seat Safety Switch > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 09/01/2015 at 12:19

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Yeah, the government isn’t good enough to be able to detect dead-silent lipo powered 300 horsepower electric Chinese dualsports.